A personal experience I just had sparked this blog. A fellow leader and I had a disagreement about the next steps a committee should take as part of an important process. Instead of taking a position, the leader laid the blame squarely at my door via email notification to the committee. Not only was it communicated that there was in fact a disagreement, but it was also noted that the process would be delayed so that my position would hold. I never asked for this to be done and email communication to everyone would undoubtedly give the impression that I was seeking to control the process.

Have you ever wondered why some individuals blame others for mistakes or some other form of misfortune? I have, and I think it happens because blaming others is a type of defense mechanism – an unconscious process that protects the person shifting the blame from experiencing unpleasant feelings like guilt or shame. In most situations, blaming is a cognitive distortion where an individual assigns guilt or responsibility for how we feel about an unfortunate situation to someone else. The distortion is usually part of a person’s defense mechanism, which involves denying their own inadequacies, and seeing them in others, instead, and calling others out publicly.

When I think about the Bible’s account of fall of humankind recorded in Genesis Chapter 3, I see something similar. Eve is deceived by the serpent and her husband Adam follows her example and distrusts God. When God comes looking for them both, Adam blames the woman for their lost condition, and his wife in turn, blames the serpent who we know was the Devil in disguise. In this case, both people erred but no one was willing to take personal responsibility for their actions. Adam shifted the blame to Eve and she did the same to the serpent.

While blaming may make one person feel better about themselves, it usually places the responsibility for a negative outcome squarely on the shoulders of someone else. “It’s not my fault; it’s yours.” This can happen for several reasons: one person is controlling and that leads them to find fault in others; narcissism where the blame-sharer simply refuses to look for faults or inadequacies in themselves. A third reason is miscommunication.

With regard to my experience given above, I believe it was a way of saving face. Instead of admitting to miscommunication, a misreading or incorrect understanding of the process, it was easier to blame someone else – me. Another reason may be a fragile sense of self-worth; a feeling that admitting a mistake or accepting responsibility for something negative means they are flawed.

The question is “How should I deal with the blame-sharer in this instance?” After getting over the initial shock of the blame-shifter’s actions, I am pondering my next move. Maybe, I will just let this one slide and look for an opportunity later on to chat about it.