The need to build and strengthen marriages and families is more pressing than ever. With alarming divorce rates, parenting challenges and complex family dynamics, maintaining healthy relationships is difficult.
That’s why, the Halifax Seventh-day Adventist church is hosting this two-week series called Family Matters. It’s a type of family tune-up that’s meant to equip families with the right tools to face real-world issues; to grow closer to each other and to God.
Join me in Halifax, Nova Scotia from April 26 to May 11 for this exciting family life series. Checkout our Facebook page at halifaxadventist.org
Family Matters Poster
Thankfulness. Appreciation. Gratefulness. Everyone has, at times felt the need to give thanks for a person, thing, situation, or experience. Building gratitude or appreciation for the blessings or trials that happen in life is an essential part of building happiness. That’s because gratitude is both vertical – towards God (in a spiritual sense), or horizontal, towards mankind.
The Bible encourages us to cultivate a spirit of gratitude. The apostle Paul who wrote “Show yourselves thankful,” and “thanked God unceasingly” for the positive response of others toward the message he shared with them (Colossians 3:15; 1 Thessalonians 2:13). So, lasting happiness comes not from merely saying ‘thank you’ occasionally but from having a grateful disposition. That, in turn, protects us from feelings of entitlement, envy, and resentment, that could alienate people from us and rob us of joy in life.
While, it seems easier to express gratitude when we are receiving blessings, it becomes more challenging if we’re going through trials or tough times. However, there are many blessings to be gained from showing appreciation in our everyday lives.
The Bible gives us this excellent advice: ‘Whatever things are true, lovable, well-spoken-of, virtuous, and praiseworthy, continue thinking about these things.’ (Philippians 4:8, footnote). The words “continue thinking about” point yet again to our need to have a thoughtful disposition, which is a prerequisite for a grateful spirit.
David prayed “I meditate on all your activity; I eagerly ponder over the work of your hands” (Psalm 143:5). David was not a distracted, superficial person. His thankful spirit stemmed from his regular contemplation of God’s ways, a practice he cultivated all his life (Psalm 71:5, 17).
Jesus Christ said “Practice giving, and people will give to you. They will pour into your laps a fine measure, pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing” (Luke 6:38). Ralph Waldo Emerson echoes this when he says we should “cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
Don’t forget, our Creator himself showed appreciation—even to created beings. Hebrews 6:10 states: “God is not unrighteous so as to forget your work and the love you showed for his name.” Yes, our Creator considers it unrighteous, or unjust, to show a lack of gratitude.
A few years ago, I was leaving the office late. As I walked along the sidewalk next to my office building, I saw that a petite, elderly lady was struggling to walk against the force of the wind. She was about 4 feet tall and weighed about 90 pounds. Although I was in a hurry to get to my car, I stopped to ask her if she needed my help. When she graciously said “yes”, I took her arm and together we walked slowly past the tall, downtown building that had created a kind of wind tunnel that made it very difficult to walk. We continued walking for the next 400 meters or so before we bid each other goodbye. She was grateful. I was thankful.
Recently, I read a similar story about a New York taxi driver and an adventure he took with an old, frail woman. When he took the call, he knew it would be the last one for that shift. As he pulled up at the dimly lit house, he honked his horn. Getting no immediate response, he thought about racing away like the typical New York cab driver. Resisting that urge, he turned off the engine, entered the yard and went up the stairs to knock on the door.
A frail voice said” coming” and when the door slowly opened, he saw someone who looked like his grandmother. Patiently, he took her suitcase, then her arm and escorted her to the waiting car. Then she made a simple request; “Take me through the downtown one last time before my final stop, a convalescent home, where she would live out her final days.” That day, she got to revisit familiar places and he got an experience of a lifetime – great final moments with a complete stranger.
Everywhere, people are constantly on the move. We drive fast. We want food fast, and ‘fast’ food. We want ‘fast’ service and ‘fast’ resolutions to complex challenges. When we don’t get what we want fast, we become impatient. As we struggle with our own impatience, there is much we can learn by looking at the story of an impatient King in the book of 1 Samuel chapter 13.
A huge army of Philistines was going to fight against King Saul and his small band of soldiers. King Saul sent for Samuel, the priest, to come and make a sacrifice to God. Samuel sent word for King Saul to wait for about seven days. The Bible says, “Then he [Saul] waited seven days, according to the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and the people were scattered from him. So, Saul said, ‘Bring a burnt offering and peace offering here to me, and he offered the burnt offering” (1 Samuel 13:8-9, NKJV).
King Saul made the mistake of losing his patience. He felt he needed the Lord’s blessing and he wanted it right then. So, he disobeyed Samuel and offered an animal sacrifice to God himself rather than wait for the priest and prophet Samuel to do that. When Samuel came that very night, and he said to King Saul, “You have done foolishly. You have not kept the commandment of the Lord your God….” He also went on to say that God wanted to work a big miracle in King Saul’s behalf, but his disobedience had interfered with God’s plan. The consequences were dreadful: “But now your kingdom shall not continue,” the prophet told him. Later on, the impatient king did lose his kingdom to a young shepherd boy named David.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I wonder what great moments we could have had with our friends and loved ones that we let slip away because we were not patient. How many times did we fly into a rage and say unloving words because we were not patient? Like King Saul, how many times have we spoiled God’s plans for our lives because we were not patient?
My mom died two years ago on Halloween. Since then, I’ve often wondered about how she faced death. Did she know it was near? Was she anxious about it? Or did she patiently wait for the day? Was she anxious to rest until the Lord returns?
Begs the question: “Do you sometimes get impatient for our Lord’s return?”
In the book of James, we read “… be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand” (James 5: 7-8, NKJV). God also describes His people, the redeemed, with these words, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are those who keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus” (Revelation 14:12. NKJV). Let’s all trust in God’s promises. Let’s all have faith in His Word. Let’s all pray for the spiritual gift of patience.
Overview
The term “bucket list” has become very popular in today’s vernacular. It usually refers to a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime. As we approach Christmas 2018, permit me to limit its meaning to the experiences or achievements one can have during the Christmas holiday period.
When we reflect on the Christmas story, we usually focus on the main characters: Mary, Joseph, and, of course, baby Jesus. The account of the ‘virgin’ birth of Jesus Christ in Luke 2:8–20 tells us that an angel of the Lord appeared to the shepherds who were living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. The glory of the Lord shone around the shepherds and they were frightened. But the angel said to them “Do not be afraid I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people” (Verses 1,2, N.I.V).
The Good News
The angel said to them “Today in the town of David, a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger”. To validate the news, a great company of the heavenly host suddenly appeared with the angel praising God and saying “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favour rests” Verse 13, N.I.V.)
There are four things I have learned from the shepherd’s reaction to the good news they received from the angel of the Lord. Those four lessons are the four items I have decided to put on my “bucket list” this Christmas. I invite you to join me in putting them at the top of your Christmas to-do list too.
My Christmas 2018 “Bucket List”
Item One: Believe the angel’s message about our Saviour’s birth. It’s true and relevant in 2018. The angel, accompanied by a great company of the heavenly host announced in spectacular fashion that Jesus Christ, the Messiah and our Saviour had been born. The shepherds were convinced by the angel. They believed the message that God had become man, and as soon as the heavenly host left, the shepherds hurriedly started their trek to look for the baby. What are you waiting for? Let’s go too. Hurry.
Item Two: Obey the angel’s message about our Saviour’s birth.
The shepherds did exactly as they were told. They when the angel left them, they got up and went straight to Bethlehem to “see this thing that has happened which the Lord has told us about” (verse 15, N.I.V). While I am not in any way, shape or form asking you to travel to Bethlehem in Israel, I am asking you to go and seek for Christ in the manger… among the abused, distressed, displaced, and destitute in their mangers. Don’t let the commercial advertisements hide him or the insular love that we reserve only for our own families. Remember, the shepherds left their own flocks and went to find the baby. So, seek out the God-Man and worship Him as the Messiah, our substitute for sin.
Item Three: Tell. Share the angel’s message with someone this Christmas.
When the shepherds reached Bethlehem and found Mary and Joseph and the baby who was lying in the manger, “they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child.” This Christmas, I will tell someone that I found Jesus who was born many years ago and that they too could find him if they would hurry to “‘Bethlehem”. I will tell them what he has done for me and especially show them the love that flows through my heart from him. Join me and the angels as we testify of his birth.
Item Four: Experience the joy of knowing that everything God says is true. Worship Him.
All who heard the shepherds’ message about the birth of Jesus were amazed at what they said to them. Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.”
When we find Jesus, we experience holy wonder because everything he says is true… just as we have been told. Sweet. Then, all we can do is to praise and glorify God for all he has given us. I want to do just that this Christmas. I am doing that this Christmas. Want to join me? Let’s do it. Make my bucket list your reality too and receive a Christmas blessing.
During this year’s thanksgiving weekend, a group us church leader organized “A Night under the Stars”, a one-night camp-out on the grounds of our local church school. We also asked campers to disconnect from their mobile devices and to evaluate what is our true source of connectedness. Are we connected to God Almighty or the almighty mobile device?
You may have heard the saying that “the battle is for the mind.” That’s because one of the ways we connect with the world and with God is through our thoughts. Connecting constantly with your device influences our thoughts and moods. I’ve proven this in my spiritual walk. My thoughts do impact my spirituality.
This is fuelled in part by what are called common patterns of distorted thinking called cognitive distortions. These distorted thoughts disrupt spiritual growth and cause distress, anxiety and unhealthy feelings and lead us to misinterpret, or to over interpret the data of the world. We also can live abnormal lives or in an exaggerated (embellished) reality.
Joyce Meyer has a very catchy phrase to describe this type of negative thinking. She said that too many people have “stinkin thinkin” or negative thinking. No one is immune from “stinkin thinkin.” What we choose to think about and dwell on in this life will make or break us and determine what type of person we will end up becoming in this life.
The wise man Solomon captures this reality in Proverbs 23:7: “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” The key word in this verse, “thinks”, tells us that God is targeting our thought process – what we think about on a daily basis. God really wants to come after our minds and get them properly cleaned up. Many sinful attitudes, fears, resentments, aversions and anxieties come from distorted thinking. While these patterns come from within, they are also ‘open doors’ for satanic influence as the devil can exploit and further twist our experience of reality. The world too is able to exploit cognitive distortions both for profit and for influence (as happens with advertising).
My blog this month considers three (out of ten) common cognitive distortions I’ve observed in my interactions with Christians, and consider some of the impacts on our spiritual lives. Next month, I will share my thoughts on how we as Christians can overcome these cognitive distortions.
- All or Nothing Thinking – There is very little “middle ground” in all or nothing thinking. You see things in black or white categories. If your effort falls short of “perfect”, you see yourself as a total failure. You are either a hero, or a total loser. Small mistakes are seen as total failure. Perhaps a person on diet slips, and has a large piece of cake, and then thinks, I am a total failure. I just gained ten pounds.
There is also the tendency in all or nothing thinking to think that affirming one thing means denying others. Say I have four valuable things in front of me – A, B, C and D. If, for example, I say, I like “A” that means I am somehow saying that B, C and D are of no value whatsoever. Of course, that may not be the case at all.
Similarly, the all or nothing thinker takes offense if your praise someone else because that means they are not praiseworthy. In reality, there are often many different outcomes and possible combinations that are both praiseworthy and acceptable. However, the all or nothing thinker, because of this cognitive distortion has a difficult time remembering and accepting this.
There are any number of issues that revolve around anxiety (e.g. performance anxiety) and fear (fear of failure), resentments and depression that set in because of this cognitive distortion. At the personal level the result is either pride, where one thinks of themselves or their performance too highly, or low self-esteem where one, seeing something less than perfect in their performance deems themselves to be a total loser.
Socially, there is often hostility to all opinions that are not 100 percent in step with what the all or nothing thinker claims is best. Such people often take offense when none is intended.
Affirming someone else’s thoughts or opinions, for example, means you’re are discarding or ridiculing the all or nothing thinker’s views and opinions. In this way, all or nothing thinking tends to make people hostile, fearful, thin-skinned and unnecessarily insistent on perfect agreement or outcomes. The distortion leads them to scorn and even ridicule people unnecessarily. Thus, the Devil can easily lock the all or nothing thinker into ever deepening degrees of negativity, anxiety and fear.
- Emotional Reasoning – A person assumes that their negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it. Therefore, it must be true.” “I feel anxious when I fly, so airplanes are not safe.” That I am feeling bad about what happened at a church service does not mean it was a bad church service.
Feelings like these have the capacity to halt reason. We need to be very careful to remember that feelings are just feelings. While they ought not to be wholly discounted, neither should they be the deciding factor. Many of our feelings are flat out wrong, simply mistaken or grounded in deep-seated trauma or powerful past events. It’s therefore important to remember that feelings are just that – feelings.
Several years ago, I was walking with a friend when a dog broke free from its owner and came running up to us. I have a fear of dogs having been bitten three times, including our family dog o the last occasion. While I was afraid of dogs, my friend like dogs. She had grown up with them and could see that the dog was lumbering up to us to greet us rather than attack us. Both of us were looking at the same data, and both of us had different feelings. She was right, there was nothing to fear. The dog came, sniffed her hand, wagged its tail, and then looked at me. No harm.
The point is that nether set of feelings changed the reality even though hers were right and mine were wrong. Moreover, it’s not difficult to see how the Devil and the world can easily exploit our feelings to make us think things are not necessarily how they are. An important part of spiritual growth is to learn how to discern feelings, and see them as part of the picture, not the whole picture.
- Jumping to Conclusions –This cognitive distortion is manifested in two ways:
Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and don’t bother to check it out. “I just know he/she thought I was an idiot,” even though he/she acted nicely.
Fortune telling error: A person jumps to conclusions about what others are thinking and feeling about us and assume it is negative, without any evidence. “Natalie didn’t stop to say hello. She must be angry at me.” Well, perhaps, or perhaps too she was in a hurry, or maybe she didn’t even see you or know you were there. Or, Pastor B cast a negative glance at me. He must be upset; I am going to lose my position. Maybe, or perhaps as he was looking in your direction he remembered something he forgot to do, or an argument he had with his wife. Perhaps too, he is hurrying to the bathroom.
Jumping to conclusions lads to many needless and baseless fears and anxieties. Mind reading for instance, is rooted in pride because we trust too much that we have command all the facts and really know what is going on when we don’t. This is a distortion. We must cultivate a healthy type of reserve in our conclusions about what the others are thinking or about their motives. We ought to ask of God a certain kind of “blindness” that fails to notice so many things we really don’t even understand.
The fortune telling error distortion is often rooted in a form of pride called grandiosity or showiness, where we think we are always the main thing on other people’s mind, or the reason they act. I once knew a man who was very paranoid about people of a quiet disposition. Someone was always thinking badly about him. I would often remind him that people had better things to do with their time than think of him or ways to trip him up.
A key aim of spiritual growth is the renewal of our minds. In the sanctification process, the lord wants to put right thinking into our minds and private thought processes. This kind of inner transformation or sanctification can only be accomplished if we are willing to fully cooperating with the Lord by claiming the incredible, supernatural power of His Holy Spirit that is available to us.
As a starting point, learning to recognize and name the common forms of distorted thinking can be useful. Once known, we can gain the mastery over these mental hurdles and begin to experience greater freedom and authority over our thoughts. Since most feelings come from thoughts, our emotional life will also be in greater balance. This includes having authority over, and freedom from anxiety, anger, and sadness.
How can this happen?
Next month, I will share some of the biblical assurances God has provided to help us change what we choose to think about and dwell on. Stay tuned!
“Hello “Are!” It’s been a while since I heard from you. Are you still there?
“Yes. But quiet.”
” Alright, I’m checking in with you because I think you are being sidelined.”
“Why do I say so?”
“Well, I’ll tell you.”
At first, I thought it was just an oversight. You weren’t included in an email or invited to a conversation in which you should have been involved. However, the evidence is mounting that you are not a part of the inner circle anymore. So, I believe it is time to address the elephant in the room or the moose in the room as Nova Scotians would say.
“Are”, you’re plural but when I search for you I can’t find you even when you should be there. Your singular brother “Is” has taken over and this bothers me. In virtually every sphere – in written or spoken conversations; on radio and television, on the Internet and across social media – “Is” is there. He’s masquerading everywhere whether he’s right or wrong; whether he’s correctly employed or not; at wrong time and in the wrong tense. He relishes your position so much that he spends every waking moment contributing to the slow demise of our English language.
A few notable instances come to mind.
Firstly, I’m convinced that most of the television media have sidelined you. Journalists and television anchors have been caught saying things like “There “Is” many things to report today”. Even CNN’s Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer who once held your torch seem to have let you go for your partner “Is.” I know you should be there “Are” but alas desertion comes to mind.
Recently, I heard that many University professors, who for many years had your back, have also traded loyalties. Holders of Ph.D.’s, Master’s and Bachelor’s degrees no longer want to use you as part of their vocabulary. It seems like “Is” is reigning supreme. What’s even more egregious is that you have started to be replaced not only in speech but in written publications. Editors, once known as the gate keepers of our precious English language seem to have forgotten how to use you. It feels like the worst thing in the world and in a sense, it is.
“Are”, I must also let you know that your absence has made me experience mental distress and health issues. “Is” is so prevalent and annoying that I develop a serious earache every time he’s out of place. And that’s way too often. In my view, he’s guilty of verbal harassment and should be charged for creating an English language crisis, and given a stiff fine. My constant fear now is that prolonged sidelining will play with my emotions and imagination and make me question my sanity and grammar skills.
“Are”, are you crying?” I know this is sad but this is no time for tears. “Is” must be stopped immediately. And I have some ideas about how to do that.
Together, we must protest and call him out in every radio and television interview, in every newspaper article, in every op-ed, column, book and magazine. We must troll the Internet to point out every instance where he has wrongfully usurped your positon. And we must enter every classroom where students first get introduced to you, and every boardroom where they claim to practice inclusion and diversity and insist that you get re-instated to a place of honour around the table
“Are” I know you can still fit in and add value to our conversations. That’s why I’m appealing to every self-respecting English-speaking person who knows grammar, let’s put “Is” back in his rightful place and let’s reinstate you “Are” to your rightful place in our language. If we don’t “Are” would be gone forever and that would be a very sad thing. There must be no delay or we’ll be sorry we didn’t act sooner. The next generation must know you and your worth. We all must see to that.
It’s a “Biggy”. This month, my husband and I are celebrating thirty years of marriage. While this is no small feat, and we aren’t surprised, we are thankful to be able to celebrate this milestone.
I was broken when we first met in the capital city Georgetown, a few months after a tough break-up of a long-standing, relationship. Having just started undergraduate studies at the University of Guyana (UG), I often travelled d home on weekends to be with family and to ease the sting of separation. The weekend we met, I had remained in Georgetown, to be able to sing with the Linden SASCA choir at a massive tent crusade. The encounter was brief but humorous as we exchanged smiles as he made a wise quip following my use of the word “dogmatically” in a conversation with my sister. You could say he was eavesdropping on our conversation. He would say he’d come closer to get a better look at me.
Fast forward six years later and we were about to get married. A wedding is a beautiful and breathtaking ceremony that brings people together from far and near. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles and sometimes, a few tears in the crowd.
Ours happened not quite as we planned: a double wedding with my younger sister, Leslyn. There we were – two happy sisters walking down the aisle to make a lifetime commitment to their betrotheds, announcing our self-crafted vows and making promises that we would try to uphold “till death do us part.” After that it was onto the reception where together with about 200 guests, we shared toasts, took pictures, and had a grand meal and cake.
In honour of our thirtieth year of marriage, I am driven to reflect on the lessons learned since that bright Sunday in July three decades ago. Probably, you the reader might find a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow older together.
- We remain grateful for our blessings
I am a blessed woman. Roderick is a gift from God to me. After three decades, we love each other more deeply. We are blessed to have each other. We’re thankful for the many experiences that add up to a life of shared joy, sacrifice, pain, and purpose. When I bid my husband good bye in the morning, I realize it didn’t have to be this way. There is no law that says I had to be married to a handsome, Christ-like, kind and forgiving man—but I am! That’s pure grace, not at all deserved, and I’m grateful.
We are also blessed parents. To be parents of a godly child is an unspeakable blessing. As Christian parents, we had the privilege of following the pattern Moses gave to the Israelites: “that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your sons and your son’s son, by keeping all of his statutes and his commandments which I command you all the days of your life, and that your days may be long, Deuteronomy 6:2.” Seeing our daughter walking faithfully with God is a testimony to His kindness, mercy and faithfulness. The love of family is a gift. I deserve none of it but I’m grateful for all of it.
Here are some words of gratitude from my most recent birthday card from Roderick: “A man like me has a lot to be thankful for. And at the top of the list is you- a woman who knows me accepts me, and whose love has made so many things right. I’ll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what’s at the very heart of it: You. Beautiful you. Happy Birthday.”
- Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage
Over the past thirty years, we’ve developed a strong marriage bond with prayer being the single largest contributor. We started praying with and for each other during our courtship and this practice carried over into our marriage. Our daily family devotions and Friday evening vespers or what we called “welcoming the Sabbath” were the keys to spiritual growth individually, and as a couple. In fact one of the most romantic things for me is to hear my husband petition God for me – by name. By God’s grace, we’ve proven that “the family that prays together stays together.” Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage. It’s our shared faith in God that sustains our marriage.
- We Can’t Fix Each Other … so we appreciate each other’s differences
My husband Roderick and I couldn’t be more different – personality-wise and temperament-wise. He’s ‘laid back’ and somewhat carefree. I am go-getter, driven and determined to get results. In large part, my husband has let me be myself choosing to celebrate my uniqueness rather than change me. Not so for me. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent in that fruitless pursuit of reshaping him in my image only to realize I must allow the Holy Spirit to transform him into God’s image.
In 30 years of marriage, Roderick still has some of the same foibles he had when I first met him. That three-note (um-um um) spontaneous ditty he emits every time he opens the vehicle still bugs me but no amount of complaining on my part has changed that. I bet, he can say the same about me with my “always” and “never”. Thanks to each other’s patience, we are both better people than we were before—but not because we tried to “fix” one another. Our differences are unique attributes given by God. The Bible says we are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) and we are God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)…designed to fulfill His special purpose which He chose for us.
- Sex isn’t important; it’s vital
Sex is a beautiful gift that a good God gave to married folk. I think of it as the adhesive that literally pastes man and woman together in “one-flesh”. Sex, though highly over-rated by many, is a necessary ingredient in any healthy marriage. Too many couples get into a withholding pattern, ignoring it for weeks or even months at a time, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for stupid ones. This will lead to a self-made disaster. My husband likes to tease now, “Are you still limber?” ”Do you still have it like 15 years ago?” While I was busy wearing many different hats – from wife to mom to homemaker to educator – I’m glad that I always found time for sexual intimacy. After a good time, we still like to hold each other as we fall asleep, which is something we did at years ten and 20. Sex is healthy for your marriage. Just do it … with regularity, enthusiasm, and mutuality!
- Love can make you happy but happiness can’t be the goal
After 30 years of marriage, Roderick and I have experienced a wide range of emotions. We have learned that marriage, and life, are not a series of happy moments. There are many unhappy moments. So, it’s much easier now to recognize and enjoy the happy moments. Happiness, however, cannot be the goal of marriage or life. If it is, you will live much of your life thinking you’ve failed. God does not promise continual happiness. God counsels us to love each other. He promises to be with us to the very end of the age. That means he will never abandon us. He tells us that faith, hope and love will abide, with love being the greatest of the three (I Cor. 13). Understanding that is key to being able to tolerate sadness, hope for joyful moments, and recognize true happiness. So, focus on God and others, then improving your flaws, and you might land on something that resembles joy.
- There will be hard knocks but walking and working together, we’ve made it
Surprise! Marriage life is hard. I learned this first-hand. Talk about disagreements and arguments; navigating unpleasant and unlovable “in-laws”. Talk about disappointments; health scares; and financial loss. I’ve had my fair share over these past thirty years. How do you rebound and come out better on the other side?
Marriage counselors and pastors and the Bible basically say you shouldn’t “let the sun go down on your anger.” While this is good counsel, what about those exhausting late night arguments when all you do is roll over and will yourself to sleep while he exits the bedroom for the basement couch? Plus, some issues require time for clarity and resolution. They just can’t be solved overnight. We have always sought to resolve most of our conflicts, except some issues we agree to disagree on. “Happily ever after” isn’t just a fairytale; we are among those couples to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character. Someone once said, “Marriage is the school from which you never graduate.” I agree. I’m now transitioning into my senior high school year and I can’t wait to enter university.
Happy Pearl Wedding Anniversary to us.
Usually when spring arrives, those of us who live in temperate climes usually look forward with anticipation to warmer and warmer weather. This year has been different. The weather in Nova Scotia, usually temperamental has been more so. Morning temps are still in the low single digits. And who ever heard about frost in mid-June? Well, here we are and weather-wise, things are very different from the norm.
As I reflect on the variability and unpredictability of the weather, I wonder about how we cope when things are different from what we expect …when the natural rhythm of life is disturbed. We all experience significant change, emotional pain, sadness or adversity in our lives. A car accident writes off the car. We lose our only source of income when the breadwinner become terminally ill and dies. A child disappoints by dropping out of school or worse turns to self-soothing aided by illegal or prescription drugs. A close friend, who appears to have it all, throws in the towel and takes his or her life.
How do we show resilience in the face of personal disappointment and disaster? What is resilience anyway?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.” In plain language, it’s about how well we “bounce back” in the face of adversity, change, tragedy or stress. It’s not a trait; it’s learned behavior which can be developed.
But how do we develop resilience? Many people react to life changing situations with a flood of emotions. Often this is accompanied by a strong sense of uncertainty. Others generally adapt well over time, making healthy adjustments along the way. What enables this second group to do so? While developing resilience is a personal journey, here are a few of my personal strategies that I’ve used to enhance my resiliency. I hope they would be helpful to you.
1. Make connections. Building and maintaining caring and supportive relationships within and outside of my family is very important. These relationships must also create love and trust and offer encouragement and reassurance. I’ve noticed especially that when there is family discord, I am easily distracted and struggle to do even the most basic activities. So, spending time with loved ones to gain support and encouragement helps you know that you are not alone and there are people who care about what you are going through.
2. Accept that change is a part of living. I remember how my body kept changing over the course of my pregnancy; how during the last trimester I hated that I couldn’t touch my toes or tie my shoe laces. Rather than focus on what I couldn’t do, I tried to look forward to that beautiful bundle of joy that would soon arrive. As I write this blog, we are all aging with physical and emotional signs. Certain goals I had like having a son or completing my PhD no longer seem attainable due to adverse circumstances or a lack of opportunity. Accepting that these cannot be changed helped me focus and move toward, for example, my goal of becoming a published author.
3. View your crises as surmountable rather than insurmountable. I can’t tell you how often I have to remind myself that terribly stressful things happen but it’s how I interpret those events and react to them that matters. Last December, about four months after I bought myself a new Ford Escape, my daughter was involved in an accident which totaled the car. This happened at the same time my roof was damaged and “church” felt like a battleground. I was livid for a few hours until some friends reminded me to focus on giving gratitude to God that she was not seriously hurt. I did and I felt much better. Looking beyond my present circumstances made a huge difference in my thought pattern, my emotions, and my outlook.
4. Take decisive actions. This means acting in adverse situations rather than detaching from the problems and wishing they would just go away. Rather than lie and mope about the ‘lost’ car, I called up the body shop to arrange for an assessment and Enterprise for a rental vehicle. I also started checking out the dealerships for a replacement vehicle. This gave me something purposeful to do and moved me closer to my goal of becoming mobile again.
5. Maintain a hopeful outlook and take care of yourself. A positive outlook, something I struggle with a lot, allows me to have positive expectations that things will turn out right after all. It’s quite a battle to visualize my future wants and not worry about my immediate fears so I usually claim the promise found in Philippians 4:19 helps: “My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus”, King James Version. I also pay attention to my own needs and feelings; take part in activities I enjoy; exercise (walk) regularly; relax and get the right amount of sleep. I highly recommend some Breyers or Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream with almond nuts and a few episodes of the TV game show “Family Feud”, with Steve Harvey to help you through.
6. Stay flexible. Try something new. I think of this as taking action to deal with demands of daily living; getting back into the swing of things while taking time to rest and to get recharged. Doing this often presents wonderful opportunities to try something – a new recipe if you like to cook or bake; a foreign language or sewing class to get you out of a rut and to wake up your brain; taekwondo to learn new self- defense skills; or biking to wake up your body; take a hike and believe it or not …do something you’ve been putting off for a long time This summer, I’ve decided to visit some of the most beautiful parts of Nova Scotia like the Cabot Trail and to go whale watching on Briar Island.
7. Forgive yourself and trust God. If you feel you’ve made a mistake or you didn’t achieve a particular goal, putting additional pressure on yourself is unhelpful. Remember always that no one’s perfect. We win some and we lose some. Instead, be kind to yourself. Recall some of your other achievements and declare “well done’; get a change of scenery; or treat yourself to dinner. Trust in divine power is also critical for the believer, and anyone who chooses to do so. Life can bring hard knocks with it but as Ira Stanphill’s song says “many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand but I know who hold tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.”
By the way, my garden I told you about last month is all planted, but already frost has bitten some of plants. I know. It’s awful. However, that won’t and can’t stop me. I must persevere. You must too.
“Difficulties are just things to overcome, after all” – Ernest Shackleton.
