The need to build and strengthen marriages and families is more pressing than ever. With alarming divorce rates, parenting challenges and complex family dynamics, maintaining healthy relationships is difficult.
That’s why, the Halifax Seventh-day Adventist church is hosting this two-week series called Family Matters. It’s a type of family tune-up that’s meant to equip families with the right tools to face real-world issues; to grow closer to each other and to God.
Join me in Halifax, Nova Scotia from April 26 to May 11 for this exciting family life series. Checkout our Facebook page at halifaxadventist.org
Family Matters Poster
A few years ago, I was leaving the office late. As I walked along the sidewalk next to my office building, I saw that a petite, elderly lady was struggling to walk against the force of the wind. She was about 4 feet tall and weighed about 90 pounds. Although I was in a hurry to get to my car, I stopped to ask her if she needed my help. When she graciously said “yes”, I took her arm and together we walked slowly past the tall, downtown building that had created a kind of wind tunnel that made it very difficult to walk. We continued walking for the next 400 meters or so before we bid each other goodbye. She was grateful. I was thankful.
Recently, I read a similar story about a New York taxi driver and an adventure he took with an old, frail woman. When he took the call, he knew it would be the last one for that shift. As he pulled up at the dimly lit house, he honked his horn. Getting no immediate response, he thought about racing away like the typical New York cab driver. Resisting that urge, he turned off the engine, entered the yard and went up the stairs to knock on the door.
A frail voice said” coming” and when the door slowly opened, he saw someone who looked like his grandmother. Patiently, he took her suitcase, then her arm and escorted her to the waiting car. Then she made a simple request; “Take me through the downtown one last time before my final stop, a convalescent home, where she would live out her final days.” That day, she got to revisit familiar places and he got an experience of a lifetime – great final moments with a complete stranger.
Everywhere, people are constantly on the move. We drive fast. We want food fast, and ‘fast’ food. We want ‘fast’ service and ‘fast’ resolutions to complex challenges. When we don’t get what we want fast, we become impatient. As we struggle with our own impatience, there is much we can learn by looking at the story of an impatient King in the book of 1 Samuel chapter 13.
A huge army of Philistines was going to fight against King Saul and his small band of soldiers. King Saul sent for Samuel, the priest, to come and make a sacrifice to God. Samuel sent word for King Saul to wait for about seven days. The Bible says, “Then he [Saul] waited seven days, according to the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and the people were scattered from him. So, Saul said, ‘Bring a burnt offering and peace offering here to me, and he offered the burnt offering” (1 Samuel 13:8-9, NKJV).
King Saul made the mistake of losing his patience. He felt he needed the Lord’s blessing and he wanted it right then. So, he disobeyed Samuel and offered an animal sacrifice to God himself rather than wait for the priest and prophet Samuel to do that. When Samuel came that very night, and he said to King Saul, “You have done foolishly. You have not kept the commandment of the Lord your God….” He also went on to say that God wanted to work a big miracle in King Saul’s behalf, but his disobedience had interfered with God’s plan. The consequences were dreadful: “But now your kingdom shall not continue,” the prophet told him. Later on, the impatient king did lose his kingdom to a young shepherd boy named David.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I wonder what great moments we could have had with our friends and loved ones that we let slip away because we were not patient. How many times did we fly into a rage and say unloving words because we were not patient? Like King Saul, how many times have we spoiled God’s plans for our lives because we were not patient?
My mom died two years ago on Halloween. Since then, I’ve often wondered about how she faced death. Did she know it was near? Was she anxious about it? Or did she patiently wait for the day? Was she anxious to rest until the Lord returns?
Begs the question: “Do you sometimes get impatient for our Lord’s return?”
In the book of James, we read “… be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand” (James 5: 7-8, NKJV). God also describes His people, the redeemed, with these words, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are those who keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus” (Revelation 14:12. NKJV). Let’s all trust in God’s promises. Let’s all have faith in His Word. Let’s all pray for the spiritual gift of patience.
Overview
The term “bucket list” has become very popular in today’s vernacular. It usually refers to a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime. As we approach Christmas 2018, permit me to limit its meaning to the experiences or achievements one can have during the Christmas holiday period.
When we reflect on the Christmas story, we usually focus on the main characters: Mary, Joseph, and, of course, baby Jesus. The account of the ‘virgin’ birth of Jesus Christ in Luke 2:8–20 tells us that an angel of the Lord appeared to the shepherds who were living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. The glory of the Lord shone around the shepherds and they were frightened. But the angel said to them “Do not be afraid I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people” (Verses 1,2, N.I.V).
The Good News
The angel said to them “Today in the town of David, a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger”. To validate the news, a great company of the heavenly host suddenly appeared with the angel praising God and saying “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favour rests” Verse 13, N.I.V.)
There are four things I have learned from the shepherd’s reaction to the good news they received from the angel of the Lord. Those four lessons are the four items I have decided to put on my “bucket list” this Christmas. I invite you to join me in putting them at the top of your Christmas to-do list too.
My Christmas 2018 “Bucket List”
Item One: Believe the angel’s message about our Saviour’s birth. It’s true and relevant in 2018. The angel, accompanied by a great company of the heavenly host announced in spectacular fashion that Jesus Christ, the Messiah and our Saviour had been born. The shepherds were convinced by the angel. They believed the message that God had become man, and as soon as the heavenly host left, the shepherds hurriedly started their trek to look for the baby. What are you waiting for? Let’s go too. Hurry.
Item Two: Obey the angel’s message about our Saviour’s birth.
The shepherds did exactly as they were told. They when the angel left them, they got up and went straight to Bethlehem to “see this thing that has happened which the Lord has told us about” (verse 15, N.I.V). While I am not in any way, shape or form asking you to travel to Bethlehem in Israel, I am asking you to go and seek for Christ in the manger… among the abused, distressed, displaced, and destitute in their mangers. Don’t let the commercial advertisements hide him or the insular love that we reserve only for our own families. Remember, the shepherds left their own flocks and went to find the baby. So, seek out the God-Man and worship Him as the Messiah, our substitute for sin.
Item Three: Tell. Share the angel’s message with someone this Christmas.
When the shepherds reached Bethlehem and found Mary and Joseph and the baby who was lying in the manger, “they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child.” This Christmas, I will tell someone that I found Jesus who was born many years ago and that they too could find him if they would hurry to “‘Bethlehem”. I will tell them what he has done for me and especially show them the love that flows through my heart from him. Join me and the angels as we testify of his birth.
Item Four: Experience the joy of knowing that everything God says is true. Worship Him.
All who heard the shepherds’ message about the birth of Jesus were amazed at what they said to them. Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.”
When we find Jesus, we experience holy wonder because everything he says is true… just as we have been told. Sweet. Then, all we can do is to praise and glorify God for all he has given us. I want to do just that this Christmas. I am doing that this Christmas. Want to join me? Let’s do it. Make my bucket list your reality too and receive a Christmas blessing.
It’s a “Biggy”. This month, my husband and I are celebrating thirty years of marriage. While this is no small feat, and we aren’t surprised, we are thankful to be able to celebrate this milestone.
I was broken when we first met in the capital city Georgetown, a few months after a tough break-up of a long-standing, relationship. Having just started undergraduate studies at the University of Guyana (UG), I often travelled d home on weekends to be with family and to ease the sting of separation. The weekend we met, I had remained in Georgetown, to be able to sing with the Linden SASCA choir at a massive tent crusade. The encounter was brief but humorous as we exchanged smiles as he made a wise quip following my use of the word “dogmatically” in a conversation with my sister. You could say he was eavesdropping on our conversation. He would say he’d come closer to get a better look at me.
Fast forward six years later and we were about to get married. A wedding is a beautiful and breathtaking ceremony that brings people together from far and near. Among the colorful bridesmaids and the happy new couple, you will notice a pair of old smiles and sometimes, a few tears in the crowd.
Ours happened not quite as we planned: a double wedding with my younger sister, Leslyn. There we were – two happy sisters walking down the aisle to make a lifetime commitment to their betrotheds, announcing our self-crafted vows and making promises that we would try to uphold “till death do us part.” After that it was onto the reception where together with about 200 guests, we shared toasts, took pictures, and had a grand meal and cake.
In honour of our thirtieth year of marriage, I am driven to reflect on the lessons learned since that bright Sunday in July three decades ago. Probably, you the reader might find a few tips to help keep your marriage going strong as you grow older together.
- We remain grateful for our blessings
I am a blessed woman. Roderick is a gift from God to me. After three decades, we love each other more deeply. We are blessed to have each other. We’re thankful for the many experiences that add up to a life of shared joy, sacrifice, pain, and purpose. When I bid my husband good bye in the morning, I realize it didn’t have to be this way. There is no law that says I had to be married to a handsome, Christ-like, kind and forgiving man—but I am! That’s pure grace, not at all deserved, and I’m grateful.
We are also blessed parents. To be parents of a godly child is an unspeakable blessing. As Christian parents, we had the privilege of following the pattern Moses gave to the Israelites: “that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your sons and your son’s son, by keeping all of his statutes and his commandments which I command you all the days of your life, and that your days may be long, Deuteronomy 6:2.” Seeing our daughter walking faithfully with God is a testimony to His kindness, mercy and faithfulness. The love of family is a gift. I deserve none of it but I’m grateful for all of it.
Here are some words of gratitude from my most recent birthday card from Roderick: “A man like me has a lot to be thankful for. And at the top of the list is you- a woman who knows me accepts me, and whose love has made so many things right. I’ll never know what I did to deserve a life this good. But I do know what’s at the very heart of it: You. Beautiful you. Happy Birthday.”
- Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage
Over the past thirty years, we’ve developed a strong marriage bond with prayer being the single largest contributor. We started praying with and for each other during our courtship and this practice carried over into our marriage. Our daily family devotions and Friday evening vespers or what we called “welcoming the Sabbath” were the keys to spiritual growth individually, and as a couple. In fact one of the most romantic things for me is to hear my husband petition God for me – by name. By God’s grace, we’ve proven that “the family that prays together stays together.” Our love is not enough to sustain our marriage. It’s our shared faith in God that sustains our marriage.
- We Can’t Fix Each Other … so we appreciate each other’s differences
My husband Roderick and I couldn’t be more different – personality-wise and temperament-wise. He’s ‘laid back’ and somewhat carefree. I am go-getter, driven and determined to get results. In large part, my husband has let me be myself choosing to celebrate my uniqueness rather than change me. Not so for me. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent in that fruitless pursuit of reshaping him in my image only to realize I must allow the Holy Spirit to transform him into God’s image.
In 30 years of marriage, Roderick still has some of the same foibles he had when I first met him. That three-note (um-um um) spontaneous ditty he emits every time he opens the vehicle still bugs me but no amount of complaining on my part has changed that. I bet, he can say the same about me with my “always” and “never”. Thanks to each other’s patience, we are both better people than we were before—but not because we tried to “fix” one another. Our differences are unique attributes given by God. The Bible says we are made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26) and we are God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)…designed to fulfill His special purpose which He chose for us.
- Sex isn’t important; it’s vital
Sex is a beautiful gift that a good God gave to married folk. I think of it as the adhesive that literally pastes man and woman together in “one-flesh”. Sex, though highly over-rated by many, is a necessary ingredient in any healthy marriage. Too many couples get into a withholding pattern, ignoring it for weeks or even months at a time, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for stupid ones. This will lead to a self-made disaster. My husband likes to tease now, “Are you still limber?” ”Do you still have it like 15 years ago?” While I was busy wearing many different hats – from wife to mom to homemaker to educator – I’m glad that I always found time for sexual intimacy. After a good time, we still like to hold each other as we fall asleep, which is something we did at years ten and 20. Sex is healthy for your marriage. Just do it … with regularity, enthusiasm, and mutuality!
- Love can make you happy but happiness can’t be the goal
After 30 years of marriage, Roderick and I have experienced a wide range of emotions. We have learned that marriage, and life, are not a series of happy moments. There are many unhappy moments. So, it’s much easier now to recognize and enjoy the happy moments. Happiness, however, cannot be the goal of marriage or life. If it is, you will live much of your life thinking you’ve failed. God does not promise continual happiness. God counsels us to love each other. He promises to be with us to the very end of the age. That means he will never abandon us. He tells us that faith, hope and love will abide, with love being the greatest of the three (I Cor. 13). Understanding that is key to being able to tolerate sadness, hope for joyful moments, and recognize true happiness. So, focus on God and others, then improving your flaws, and you might land on something that resembles joy.
- There will be hard knocks but walking and working together, we’ve made it
Surprise! Marriage life is hard. I learned this first-hand. Talk about disagreements and arguments; navigating unpleasant and unlovable “in-laws”. Talk about disappointments; health scares; and financial loss. I’ve had my fair share over these past thirty years. How do you rebound and come out better on the other side?
Marriage counselors and pastors and the Bible basically say you shouldn’t “let the sun go down on your anger.” While this is good counsel, what about those exhausting late night arguments when all you do is roll over and will yourself to sleep while he exits the bedroom for the basement couch? Plus, some issues require time for clarity and resolution. They just can’t be solved overnight. We have always sought to resolve most of our conflicts, except some issues we agree to disagree on. “Happily ever after” isn’t just a fairytale; we are among those couples to prove that marriage can withstand any hurricane with the right mindset and the right character. Someone once said, “Marriage is the school from which you never graduate.” I agree. I’m now transitioning into my senior high school year and I can’t wait to enter university.
Happy Pearl Wedding Anniversary to us.
“The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.” – Unknown
Spring is in the air and I am eagerly looking forward to warmer days and the rebirth of plants and animals. Farmers and gardeners are getting ready to prepare their fields and gardens. Soon they will take tiny seeds and place them into the ground so they can grow into big, productive plants.
This year, I’m going to do something that I’ve never done before in Halifax – plant a vegetable garden. Deviating from my favourite saying “go big or go home”, I’ve only reserved half a plot. Apart from starting small, this is a sensible choice for me. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with the work of pulling weeds and watering many crops. Nor do I want the additional burden of deciding what to do with the extras if there is a bumper crop of something. I just want to achieve my goal to have a successful garden.
As I think about my vegetable-gardening plan, I realize that one of the first essentials is to get the best seeds and/or seedlings of the types of plants I want to grow. If you think about it, many things in life start as seed — a relationship, a marriage, a business, a church. Nothing happens until the seed is planted or sown.
This makes me think about the parable about the mustard seed that Jesus told in the Book of Matthew. He said “the kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed which a man took and cast into His garden; and it grew and waxed a great tree; and the fowls of the air lodged in the branches of it (Matthew 13:31).” Though the mustard seed is tiny, it can produce a 15-foot tree. The size of the full-grown tree denotes the strength, power, and potential inherent in a small thing.
In Jesus’ day, many expected the Messiah to come and champion their cause – to free them from Roman bondage, to reestablish a mighty kingdom and rule as Lord and King. They never believed, the kingdom of God could get started in a small obscure way – a baby born in a manger in Bethlehem; a child growing up in the Town of Nazareth; a virtually homeless, young itinerant preacher touting a strange message about His father being God and His eternal kingdom. Jesus, however, inserted a different concept of greatness arising out of something small.
To relax on Sunday evenings, I like to look at the show “Little Big Shots” hosted by Steve Harvey and produced by Ellen DeGeneres. Little talented children cheekily exhibit all the extraordinary skills that they have. The show that aired this past Sunday featured a six-year old author who boasted about her most recent book and how she did all of the illustrations. Exuding an air full of self-assurance, she outlined her plans to become a millionaire by age nine. She was sowing her seeds and preparing to reap the fruit of her hard labour later on.
As I reflect on what the six-year-old girl said, I wondered about my own life goals and achievements. We all have the potential to do something spectacular if we believe in ourselves but no one can achieve anyone else’s personal goals. We must set our own goals and work to achieve them. Moreover, we need to believe that we can achieve those goals. Philippians 4:13 (New International Version) says “I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength (New International Version).” What a promise from the One who created us and loves us.
Do you think you are inferior or too small to make a difference? If so, think about this African Proverb: “If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent the night with a mosquito.” If you’ve spent a night with a mosquito you would know it’s not the size of the mosquito that determines the damage it will do, but the amount of determination it has to do the damage. With this in mind, I am ready to bite like a mosquito and to start planting. Of course, I will let you know about the harvest…later.
Most weeks, I teach the teen class in my church. I try my best to make things interesting and interactive. At times, they are chatty, ‘with it’ and engaged; at other times they are silent, distracted and disconnected giving the clear impression that they’d rather be elsewhere. These variable responses have caused me to wonder about moodiness in teenagers.
I’ve also pondered whether the challenge lies with me not being able to connect with them consistently. What if they are having difficulty connecting with adults like me?
If you have teens in your own family or in your life, how are you going to connect with them?
Here are a few tips I’ve picked up over time that could be helpful to you.
1. Make eye contact, greet them genuinely when you see them, and be pleasant to be around. Many teenagers have a strong desire to be noticed, acknowledged, and accepted. Make them feel valued.
2. Be interested in their lives but be confidential. If they trust you to share intimate details about their lives, resist the urge to share it with another adult they know or their parent(s), especially if they asked you not to do so. I know this can be challenging, especially if there could be some imminent danger but that’s your opportunity to exert some positive influence on the teen who is confiding in you.
3. Respect their privacy. Don’t tread where you are not wanted or into areas of their lives where it’s improper to do so. Many teens dislike their physical looks and can have unrealistic body expectations when they don’t measure up to some skinny magazine model. Some do not want to talk about their digital lives and habits, the apps they use and the games they play, pop culture, and politics.
4. Have clear, enforceable rules but be flexible if it’s the common-sense thing to do. The worst thing you can do is to act unreasonably. Allowing your teen an extra half an hour after curfew to finish seeing a movie doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. Lead by precept and example.
5. Be a dependable shoulder to lean on. The world is a pretty scary place for teens. You have navigated it before and could help them. Help them trust you by not making promises you know you would be difficult to keep. You’re human so, you’re not always right. Acknowledge those times.
6. Do not gossip with your teens or say negative things about someone they respect or should respect. Your score on their ‘respect meter’ will go down – way down.
7. Do not expect someone else’s teenage son or daughter to exhibit the same behaviours as yours. S/he isn’t your child, you haven’t been able to shape their childhood, and their genetic makeup is different, plain and simple.
8. Don’t be hypocritical. Be genuine. Teens like parents, teachers, religious leaders and community leaders who consistently exhibit good morals and values. They have little tolerance for adult hypocrisy, and some do learn from and mimic you. So, beware!
9. Welcome them into your home and treat your son(s)’s female friend(s) with the same dignity and respect that you would your own daughter and encourage your son(s) to do the same.
10. Raise your teenage son to be the kind of husband you would like your own daughter to have as a husband – the best. Teach them about the value of women and girls as seen through the eyes of our Creator God. In the Garden of Eden, He took a rib from the side of the man and formed woman, indicating that she was his equal and she should stand side by side with him.
Valentine’s Day is celebrated every year on February 14. Many people either love the day or hate it. I actually have a love-hate relationship with the day. I don’t mind the red but I hate the pink and the ubiquitous little sugary-tasting, heart-shaped candy. Many break the bank to buy jewellery and flowers for their loved ones, and there’s a whirlpool of passion, if only for a single day. Everything seems contrived: mass dining, gossiping and giggling, and a whole lot of lovey-dovey fluff. Even couples choosing to ‘break up’ for maximum negative impact.
Over the past few years, I’ve revised my thinking about Valentine’s Day. With so much hatred, sorrow and disappointment and in the world, I’ve chosen to embrace the ‘good’ about it; to show love. I’ve also attributed more meaningful sentiments to the colours symbolizing the day: red for the blood that flowed so freely on Calvary for me, you and the whole world; and white for the purity of character. This year, I’m trying my hand at a bit of poetry. I’ve written an ode to the day of love. Hope it brings meaning to you on that day, and always.
A Valentine’s Day Ode (‘Kinda’)
Love is a divine principle, forever in the heart of a Creator for his creatures
Love is an expression of gratitude – to him, to her, to them
Love is surrender, a breaking heart for a beloved’s misfortune
Love is friendship, beautiful and secure.
What is the path to love?
Second chances; overlooking myriad faults
Winding, meandering through bitterness, tears and sorrow
Slaying your ego, that small, puffed up part of you
Stepping into the fear that wants to freeze your heart and close your mind.
Silencing the inner critic so you can respond to the instinctual voice that’s also speaking to you
Being able to give and receive love.
What is the look of love?
A pair of wide outstretched hands welcoming you into a warm embrace
Longing eyes meeting even if for a brief wink across a crowded room
Gut wrenching laughter; wry smiles; families dining and bonding
Attentive silence when you are pensive, solemn, alone
Romantic celebrations, imprisonment, and even martyrdom
Words of trust, and caring that tell you to be careful
Your beloved at the window waving a sweet goodbye.
A whisper in the still of the night and the awe that befalls a magnificent sight
The cries of rapture from the delivery room amidst the beating of a newborn’s heart
A cross on a hill, a Savior and resurrection day.
What does love feel like?
A warm touch; a reassuring tap on the shoulder in the morning
Spasms of pain from a broken heart; two hands intertwined,
A hug that makes you want to suspend time except for you two
The joy of cleaning up watery puke because you know that person would do the same for you without question
The warmth of wanting each other when times are good and a craving for each other’s presence when they are really bad
Hope. A nervous heartbeat
A quiet acceptance that they’ll always be there.
What is the taste of love?
The pleasure of soft, wet kisses on the lips; have one, then two, never get enough
The thrill of thick, chocolate covered hazelnuts and strawberries melting on the tip of your tongue
The saltiness of tears streaming down the face which bring out the flavour of you
Spicy, adventurous, and passionate caresses; nervousness that makes your stomach heave in the most pleasant way
Sometimes it’s a little bitterness too – a lesson harshly learned; a stake of betrayal driven through the heart and mind.
Like you.
What’s the smell of love?
The unique smell of a worn shirt – no deodorant, no perfumes, no fragranced detergents
The menthol of pain rubs being massaged into sore, tired limbs after a strenuous workout in the gym
The smell of perfume, a nice fragrance – lavender incense
Sweaty feet; breast or formula milk
Lube. Grease.
What is the goal of love?
To mimic God
To experience him; to know him; to feel him; to talk with him
To believe in Him; to believe His word
To put others first; to care; to share and to give to others
The lame; the poor, the blind, the naked; the undeserving and unlovable
Caring about another person’s “highest good.”
Happiness.
Procreation.
Edification.
Eternal life.
What will you do with love?
Experience it. Know it.
Feel it. Devour it.
Send cards, flowers and valuable gifts.
Let it consume you.
Love – even if it’s only for a brief moment.
Every February 14.
